I’m trying really hard to be honest when I write this blog. If I said everything the royal family recommended is fantastic, you’d start distrusting me. It can’t all be fantastic. I’m bound to brush up against something I don’t like: the bitter taste of Tiptree orange marmalade, the knock-you-over smell of Brasso metal polish, the residue left behind by a bar of Yardley lavender soap. So far the Royal Warrant products I’ve tried seem to fall into a neat bell curve of things I hate, things I think are fine but may or may not try again, and things I love so much I don’t know how I ever lived without them. It’s time to add something to the left side of that curve. The Jordans & Ryvita Company holds a Royal Warrant from Her Majesty the Queen as “Manufacturers of Crispbreads.”
Back
up for a second, you’re probably thinking to yourself. What’s a
crispbread? Good question. I think this is just a fancy term for a
cracker, although Wikipedia gets slightly more elaborate in its
definition.calling it a dry bread or cracker usually made from rye flour.
In terms of texture, picture a Triscuit that’s been left out in the
open air for...I don’t know...six years or so. We sampled the
Limited Edition dark rye cripsbreads here at my house, and none of us
could really get on board. The smell knocked me over as soon as I
opened the pouch they were in. Musty basement? Mothballs? Mildewed
sweater? The rectangular crispbreads laying loose inside were a
grayish brown color and looked like something a colony of insects
would construct for a home. The taste is something like cardboard at
first, but then you get distracted from analyzing the taste as the
crispbread breaks down into a million little sandy fragments inside
of your mouth and sucks out every last bit of moisture in it.
I tried really hard to make this work. I don’t like writing off something the Queen has recommended. I also didn't want a repeat of the Robinson's barley water misunderstanding. I tried pairing my sandbreads, sorry crispbreads, with interesting toppings like cream cheese and later a thick slice of fresh parmesan cheese, but nothing worked. I couldn’t salvage them.
Why
would the Queen want to eat these? Why would anyone want to eat them?
I couldn’t figure it out from the company’s website, although I
admit some of the flavors featured there
– sweet onion, hint of chilli, and Mediterranean herb—did sound a
little more appealing than dark rye. I also learned that the Ryvita
company began making chocolate crispbreads during World War II, which
allowed people to eat chocolate without using ration coupons. I found
that sort of endearing. Still, each time I went back to my own
package of crispbreads, I was horrified by how terrible they smelled.
Finally
I turned to YouTube to search for commercials. Ad after ad mentioned
Ryvita’s being low in fat and calories and being an excellent
choice if you’re trying to stay slim.
Oh. Of course. This is diet
food,
people. We need to lower our expectations accordingly.
For a couple of weeks I’ve been
reading At
Home with the Royal Family by
Paul James and Peter Russell. The book was published in 1987 and is
definitely dated. The cover, for instance, shows a picture of
the royal family that features Princess Diana holding an infant
Prince William in the front row. Most of the things James and Russell
share about the Queen seem to have happened quite awhile ago, but
it’s interesting from a historical point of view. And you can’t
beat this book in terms of really intimate details about the Queen,
e.g. the kind of food she eats when at home. Take this description of
her lunches:
“A
main course of meat or fish with perhaps a salad, followed by fresh
fruit. Although the Queen loves chocolate pudding and adores
chocolate mint chip ice cream, she prefers to watch her weight and
saves such dishes for special treats or when her family are dining
with her.”
How
interesting that Queen Elizabeth has immediate access to the world’s
finest foods but still finds herself with the same aging metabolism
as the rest of us. There are some things you just can’t buy. Just like you and me, the Queen of England sometimes finds herself gnawing on tasteless crackers when she'd must rather be eating something wonderful like mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Where
to buy:
Amazon
and Vitacost
both have a large selection.
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